Bristol leads the way in new weapons systems


Gerald! Haven’t seen you in ages!

‘Morning Sidney. You’re looking well.

That’s what an active sex life will do for you! I must’ve shagged my way through half of Devon in the last month.

It’s allright for some. I’ve not had a proper shag in ages.

No shags? But Gerald, you’re a sex machine! You taught me everything I know!  “Forget the foreplay, take ’em roughly from behind, then forget ’em and move on to the next one,” you said.

Better explain to the readers that we are bulls, not men. Just in case we get into trouble for being unreconstructed sexist bastards.

But we *are* unreconstructed sexist bastards. Our purpose is to spread our DNA as widely as possible, and to taste delicious.

OK, now you’ve upset the vegetarians as well.

God, you’re in a vile mood. What happened?

I was taken from Buttercup Free Range Organic Happy Farm and plonked in this field. Then a man from BAe Systems told me I was doing important work of a top secret nature, and I was to hang around and just do what comes naturally. So I was eating grass and ruminating, when I saw this cow a few yards away. Time to do my patriotic duty, I thought.

So you rogered her?

Not “her”, “it”. I screwed a tank. BAe Systems, this vast weapons conglomerate, have a research project based in Bristol developing new weapon systems. One is “e-camouflage” or “electronic ink”, a coating on the vehicle enabling it to blend in with any background, like a chameleon. They say they can even make a tank look like a cow. Which is true, by the way.

You screwed a tank?

Worse. One does not become a prizewinning stud bull for nothing. You have to be the best of the best to have our job. I gave a 62-tonne main battle tank such a boffing that the BAe Systems people decided to flee. By then I was in such a sexual frenzy that, well …

Oh my God! You didn’t roger top secret military researchers and executives from BAe Systems, the company that will sell weapons to anyone no matter how inappropriately?

The survivors were all for putting a shell up the spout and turning me to prime steak, but the accountants pointed out that doing away with me would cost a lot, so I just got tasered instead. But the experiment was a complete success.

Makes you proud to be British, doesn’t it?


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